I'm Watching You This Time
by Marissa Davis
Summary: REVAMPED STORY - You're smiling on the outside but inside you're burning. High School AU Angsty Lucas/Riley/Maya - Adult themes, please read and review. Dark Rucas with a side of Lucaya
1. Chapter 1

**Hey there! This is my second GMW fic so I'm still trying to work out the kinks in my writing. This is pretty AU because I'm writing it in high school and I'm including adult themes for our favorite friend group. For this fic, I'm saying that the triangle happened sophomore year of high school so this is junior year that this will take place. The pov's will change throughout also and Charlie Gardner is involved in this too! He and Riley have been hanging out a little bit. Please check out my other story called Full Circle as well. Feel free to leave a review to let me know what you all think! Happy reading :)**

He catches your eye as soon as you walk into class. You stare him down just briefly before taking a seat in the front to face your father. As Cory goes on and on about something that is actually related to history for once you feel his eyes burn into the back of your head. No one will notice you tell yourself. You try to ignore it as best you can, he isn't yours to want anymore.

He belongs to your blonde and beautiful best friend. You glance Maya's way and see that she's asleep as per usual so she can't see where Lucas's eyes are wandering. You feel antsy and awkward so you pull your hair from one side to the other exposing your neck to him. Moments later you hear Lucas bring his fist down to his desk causing everyone in the room to jump.

"Mr. Friar, are you alright?" Your dad asks him. You're almost too nervous to turn around to see, but you do anyway. His fists are clenched and he's staring straight ahead, he should be looking right at Maya but he isn't. It's like he's staring right through her instead.

"Mr. Friar…" My dad tries again, but Lucas is in a trance of anger.

"Huckleberry!" Maya snaps in front of him and he's still as a statue. You don't know what possesses you to do it, but you stand up and walked the short distance to his seat and kneel in front of him.

"Lucas," You say softly. He still doesn't move, his eyes are boring holes into the white board at the front of the room. You place you hand on top of his clenched fist and say his name again. At the contact Lucas turns to you and stares you down like you had with him when you entered the classroom.

"Are you okay?" You can barely choke out not being able to handle the physical contact on top of the way he was looking at you. He looks down to your hand on top of his and jerks his fist away like you burned him. He stands up abruptly and asks your dad to be excused to which he gladly said yes since Lucas was distracting the class. You look at Lucas's empty seat at a complete loss of what had just happened.

"Riley," Your dad says getting your attention. You turn to him and he gestures to your seat indicating you should return to it so he can continue class. You sit there and continue to be in your own world missing the sensation of a pair of emerald eyes on you.

"Are you even paying attention? Are you okay?" Maya asks from beside you. She decided class was worth staying awake for once there was some drama involving Lucas. You turn to look at your best friend. You smile a big dimpled smile that could fool just about anyone.

"Of course, Peaches," You say. You're smiling on the outside, but inside you're burning.

Burning with guilt for craving those moments with Lucas.

Burning with resentment toward your sister for taking what was yours first.

And lastly, burning with the desire inside of you at just the tiniest bit of contact with Lucas.

He wasn't yours to desire anymore.

—

People love to underestimate your genius. They assume because you have the highest GPA in the class that it means you don't notice social interactions or miss social cues because you are a little bit too smart for your own good. While the majority of the class was watching Mr. Matthews you were watching Lucas while he watched Riley. You didn't miss the eye contact between them when she walked in. You always notice the way Lucas tenses up when Riley is around while he barely notices when Maya is. When the triangle ended you were so relieved while also very angry on behalf of Riley.

You loved her first after all and she didn't deserve to be heartbroken by the cowboy from Texas. She was your best friend and anyone who made the sun not shine as bright didn't deserve her love in the first place. But then you sat back and remembered that you also loved Maya equally and were very happy for her for getting something great in her life when she's spent so much time being sad. The chemistry between Lucas and Maya was prominent, no one could deny that. And yet, once Lucas chose Maya it seemed that chemistry or fire everyone was obsessed with seemed to die down. You guessed the physical aspect to Lucas and Maya's relationship was fine. You don't discuss it with either, but if there were issues there then you weren't sure what else they had. In groups you all have a blast together. The six of you were like a puzzle. You each brought something to the friendship that every individual person needed to survive and to be complete.

However, even when you all got along perfectly fine you have to wonder how things were when Lucas and Maya were alone. Did they talk for hours the way you and Smackle do? The way you know Lucas and Riley used to? If there was one thing everyone learned at the ski lodge the year before it was that communication was the key to every successful relationship. That is partially why you were shocked when Lucas chose Maya. At the same time you knew Riley wouldn't have been able to let herself be happy with Lucas because she knew it would hurt Maya. Maya being fiercely loyal to Riley as well seemed to have missed the way Riley's smile doesn't reach her eyes anymore. She was so thrilled to finally have the triangle end by getting the guy you wonder when the last time Maya's own smile reached her eyes as well.

Then you glance at Charlie Gardner. He to wasn't paying attention to the lesson either. As per usual his eyes were on Riley. The triangle was never really a triangle. It was always the rectangle. Riley gave Charlie attention out of the kindness of her heart and he ate up any interaction with her he could get. They had been spending more and more time together recently. As soon as Riley moved her hair exposing her neck Charlie let out a gasp and as it turns out you weren't the only one who noticed. Lucas heard that gasp and you thought he was going to kill Charlie right then and there when those iron fists hit the desk instead. You were never surprised that the only one able to bring Potential Texas Lucas back to New York Lucas was Riley. He ignored Mr. Matthews and his own girlfriend but the second Riley touches him he's back in reality just enough to excuse himself before getting himself into real trouble. She was always the one who could get through to him. You keep these observations to yourself knowing bringing light to the truth could hurt the ones you love the most. You sit back and try to remember when it all got screwed up.

—

You lean against the table in the janitors closet taking deep breaths. You aren't sure when you turned into the guy who loved one girl but couldn't stop obsessing over the other. You made the choice. You gave the people what they wanted and ended the triangle the only way you knew would make the most people happy. Riley would've never been with you knowing she was hurting Maya. She was too selfless for that. And Maya was what you were sure you wanted. She was rebellious and kept you on your toes. You close your eyes and count to ten.

" _Riley still loves Lucas!"_

You let out a shaky breath remembering the moment that changed everything. You had just started coming around to the idea that Maya could be someone you could care about forever. Then Farkle lets the secret of all secrets out and all of a sudden you couldn't move. You couldn't picture a life with anyone else except the girl who fell on your lap your first day of school. You run your hands over your face as the shaking subsides. You hoped no one knew you were in here to see you like this. This big of a mess over someone you had no right to care about like that anymore.

The second Charlie Gardner gasped seeing Riley's neck you knew you could've ended it right there. You could've gotten into the fight, gotten expelled, proved your parents right. But one voice kept you in check. One hand kept you sane. She had been seen hanging out with Gardner recently. For all you knew she was doing that on purpose to tease him to keep him interested. The thought of Riley wanting someone else made your blood boil. All of the deep breaths in the world couldn't keep you in control thinking she wanted Charlie's attention. You pull one fist back and punch a hole right through the wall. As you pull your fist back to do it again a small pair of hands wrap themselves around your arm and you freeze. You'd know those hands anywhere and for a moment you can't breathe.

"You don't have to do that," Her soft voice spoke. Her hands are still wrapped around your bicep and you only feel slightly guilty when you hope they stay there.

"Lucas, look at me," She asks and you've never been able to say no to her so you do it. She hesitantly puts her hands on both sides of your face trying to read you. You won't let that happen though, no one has been able to read you since you made your choice. That reminds you of Maya which in turns reminds you of Charlie and you get pissed again and back away from Riley. She momentarily looks upset but you continue to back up so she can't touch you.

"What do you want?" You spit and the venom in your voice does something to both you and Riley. She covers her shock before narrowing her eyes at you.

"What is your problem?" She demands in the most stern voice you've ever heard her use. In reality you have no grounds to be upset with her. You chose her best friend over her. As you sit there starting into Riley's dark eyes you wonder how much of you actually did choose Maya.

"Just go back to Gardner," You say in a hard voice you barely recognize. Riley's eyes are set on fire and she does something that completely shocks you both. She shoves you so hard your back hits the wall.

"Are you kidding me?" She shrieks before pushing you again so you hit harder than before. You've only seen that fire in her a few times before and part of you ignites as well knowing you put it there.

"Am I wrong?" You challenge taking a step toward her, daring her to push you again. "Everyone knows that you two have been spending all of your spare time together, what am I supposed to think?" The closer you get the darker her eyes get, pushing your control to the very brink.

"You can't handle it can you?" She asks. You don't know what she means and you don't want to.

"Handle what?" You ask despite your inner protests.

"The thought of me with someone else," Riley says sizing you up. Out of respect for Maya you can't admit that she's right so you don't say anything. You start counting to ten in your head.

" _We were just talking about you."_

Riley takes a confident step forward so she's about nose to nose with you. You inhale her shampoo and perfume and clench your jaw to stop any further action from taking place.

"You can't handle me liking someone else," She challenges. You close your eyes tightly.

"Riles." You choke out.

"Me wanting someone else," She taunts brushing her fingers along your stomach, dangerously close to the button on your jeans. You shake your head needing to focus on something else.

"Me touching someone else," Riley whispers undoing your jeans.

"Stop it," You warn tightly.

"Me loving someone else," She finishes harshly. Your eyes bore into hers piercing her every thought.

"No!" You yell backing her up so she's against the wall. You raise one hand slamming it against the wall. It should scare her but it doesn't. The desire in her eyes is enough to push you over the edge of control as you crash your lips against hers. It takes Riley about one second to respond by bringing your shirt over your head as you are already working at pushing her dress up to her waist. She was always wearing these dresses that made her legs look impossibly long and she had to know it drove you crazy. As you lift Riley up she tightens her legs around your waist while running her fingers through your hair. All thoughts of blonde hair and creeps trying to take Riley from you escape you as you finally feel like you can breathe again for the first time in over a year.

—

They all think you don't see it. The way he looks at her. They also don't think you see the way everyone looks at you. Like you're the last to know the secret. All you know is right after the ski lodge Lucas came to your apartment saying he needed to try with you and you were who he wanted. You couldn't expect his feelings for Riley to disappear overnight. If he had chosen Riley it would have been the same, you're sure of it. For once the girl who always had the perfect life got to know what it felt like to be disappointed.

The fact you are part of the reason she was disappointed makes you sick to your stomach though. She is your sister after all and she and Huckleberry didn't make it very long as a couple after their first date. Their passion was different than yours with Lucas. They had the summer rain while you and he had that fire people always talked about. You don't tell anyone that when he comes over you two get about thirty seconds into a conversation before one of you has to make the first move so there's something more than forced small talk happening. This is what you both wanted you convince yourself.

He had the choice and he chose you. He loves you. You ignore the nagging feeling inside of you that says there is something missing. Before you realize it you have sketched brown hair and blue eyes and the guilt washes over you as you rip the page out of your sketch pad and put it in the manilla folder under your bed with the rest of the drawings representing the same person. Lucas was yours and no one could take him from you. You choose not to notice how when he had his moment in class earlier she was the only one who could get through to him.

—

You decide to throw a party because you needed another reason to see Riley in a social setting that didn't include doing homework. You've been patient and waited so long for her to be yours. After Friar chose Maya you couldn't have been happier knowing Riley was free and open to be yours. You gave her some time to heal after being rejected before diving in and trying to be "study partners" studying was the last thing on your mind while around Riley.

She was kind, she was good. Despite being thrilled Lucas didn't choose her you can't fathom why he didn't. Knowing you have the power to get under his skin still makes you happier than it should. Ever since you started creating the gap between Lucas and Riley by asking her to semi formal you loved showing how out of control Lucas can be. If only Riley could see that he wasn't as changed as people thought. Today in class was the perfect example. He about lost it in front of everyone. After class Riley bolted out of there like she was being chased by the cops. You wanted to catch up to her to invite her to your party that night, but you will settle for texting her instead. It would be a big night you had no doubt, everyone always looked for an excuse to party. And you would take any moment you could to spend time with Riley, it was only a matter of time before she chose you.

—

As you get ready for the party you can't help but think that this night will end in disaster. Ever since you arrived in New York after Lucas you have seen him change from Texas Lucas to New York Lucas to a shell of both. Lucas wasn't your best friend anymore. That protective, loyal great guy you've known your whole life has become a depressed introvert. After Lucas chose Maya you noticed a slight change in Lucas's demeanor.

At first glance he seemed to have it all together. He finally ended the triangle from hell and everything could go back to normal. He and Maya seemed as happy as they could. Riley appeared to be fine with it too. You knew better though. As soon as you saw Charlie ask Riley to study after school and she accepted you knew Lucas was going to feel like he lost her all over again. It was of no ones fault but his own, he did make his choice after all. You know him better than anyone and you know he can't stand to hurt people, the only person he ever ends up hurting is himself. You pick up the phone and make a call.

"Is this party going to be as painful as I think it will be?" You ask the genius.

"After what we saw in class today, I don't think painful is the right word." Farkle responded.

"He still loves Riley," You say for the first time out loud. You slightly panic and look around to make sure no one heard you spill that secret.

"He loves them both," Farkle states. He's observed enough to know Lucas couldn't handle hurting Maya as much as he couldn't handle hurting Riley. The way he loved Maya was different than the way he loved Riley though.

You don't even have to respond to that to know what he means. You've seen it too. You don't agree with it, but when people's emotions are involved no one can get out unscathed.

"And Charlie?" You have to question because having the three of them being involved with each other wasn't bad enough. Now you had to deal with this punk again.

"Charlie will never be Lucas," Farkle says and you know that as long as Lucas and Riley are in each others lives no one else can compare.

—-

Everyone meets at Riley's to go to Charlie's party. You notice that Lucas and Riley can barely look each other in the eye, but you don't comment on it. Farkle meets your eyes and you know he sees what you do too. You take his hand silently thanking him for loving you and only you throughout all of this messy triangle. He kisses your temple reading your mind.

"So what are the games everyone likes to play?" You ask trying to make conversation.

"There's a few," Zay answers you. "Beer Pong and Flip Cup are the most popular ones."

"You guys might have to teach me those again," You say already knowing how to play them. Drinking wasn't your thing, it wasn't anyone's thing really. Something told you tonight everyone would let go and shit was going to hit the fan.

—-

The party was in full swing. You have played one round of Beer Pong with Charlie as your partner. Him being the more experienced player and drinker, he helped you guys beat Zay and Smackle. Despite the numbness inside of you threatening to take over you are having a little bit of fun. You glance to the dance floor and see Maya grinding on Lucas, both have drinks in their hands, and you suppress the deep breath you want to take as you feel the knife go through your heart.

"You want to dance?" Charlie asks and you nod barely registering what he's asking. He leads you to the dance floor and you're just drunk enough you can pretend you love the song playing and the feel of Charlie's hands on your hips. You force yourself to get lost in the moment and for a little while it works. You dance like you've seen girls do in the movies, and you try not to let the guilt crush you to death as you remember another pair of hands on you earlier that day. You can almost relax when you feel a grip on your wrist and you're being yanked away from a protesting Charlie. You don't even need to look up to know who it is. The irony and hypocrisy of this doesn't escape you as you're shoved into an empty bedroom.

"What the hell was that Riley?" Lucas yells at you. You're so tired you don't even know what to say. Maya needing to use the restroom couldn't have come at a worse time.

"You were dancing with Maya," You point out and he shakes his head like it's different.

"How can you just be all over him after today?" He asks you and you want to slap him.

"How can you even look at Maya after today?" You yell back. You couldn't hardly stand to be around her getting ready for the party earlier. If she wasn't so preoccupied herself she would've noticed Riley's weird behavior.

"I hate myself for this Riley!" Lucas exclaims. That just makes you feel worse. You've now made him hate himself.

"Well I'm so sorry I did that to you," You say miserably before turning around to walk out. He's faster holding the door closed so you can't get out. You turn to face him and can barely breathe being in such close proximity. It's reminding you of earlier, and you have to remind yourself how terrible this is.

"I don't hate myself for being with you Riles," He breathes leaning his forehead against yours. "I hate the situation we've all created for ourselves."

"I can't keep hurting her Lucas," You say closing your eyes. "She's the most important person in the world to me."

"I don't want to hurt her either," Lucas says grabbing your hand and lacing your fingers together. "I can't lose you though."

"You already did," You say bringing his hand up to your lips and placing a feather light kiss to his knuckles. He squeezes your hand so hard you think it might break. "Goodbye Lucas." His eyes well up and he won't let go of your hand. Instead, he grabs the back of your neck locking your lips one last time. It was pure bliss getting to be with him, but you both know it wasn't going to last. Neither of you are the type to carry on an affair and hurt those around you. It didn't matter who loved who or what you wanted. Maya deserved to be chosen. You whimper into him as your knees buckle. He backs you up so you can't go anywhere as he moves his lips against yours. You're seconds away from giving in one more time as you hear a gasp from the bathroom doorway. You lock eyes with your best friends all coming out of the bathroom with a connecting bedroom on the other side.

—

You're staring her down like she's a stranger. You can't believe that Riley Matthews, YOUR Honey was kissing your boyfriend like her life depended on it. You saw the lingering looks, the hand grazes but you didn't think they crossed that line. Zay reaches out and touches your shoulder and you see the lack of shock on his face. He looks disappointed and yet completely calm at the same time.

"I need a minute with Lucas," You say surprising even yourself that you wish to speak with him over Riley. As Riley approaches you she has tears falling down her face, and you can't bring yourself to hate her even though you want to.

"We'll talk later," You whisper as she passes you. She nods wordlessly and walks off with Zay to go back to the party. You close the door and approach Lucas.

"I'm so sorry Maya," He says immediately. He runs his fingers through his hair in frustration. You can tell he hasn't been sleeping, why didn't you notice that sooner?

"Do you even love me?" You ask point blank. You're not even sure why you need to know, for the first time in your life someone chose you over everyone else. When Lucas made his choice it wasn't really just between you and Riley. He had his pick of any girl he wanted at school being a varsity athlete who was impossibly good-looking. He made you feel wanted and worthy, regardless if he meant it or not he still made you his choice.

"Of course I do," He says coming up to you. "I've never had to question if I had feelings for you."

"So you still choose me?" You ask needing him to rip the bandaid off. Lucas looks lost in thought for a moment, like he's reliving a moment from the past. He takes your hands in his and gives them a squeeze.

"Yes, it's you Maya," He says smiling. He looks so cute you can't help but believe him even when you know you shouldn't. You lean up to kiss him needing to feel that closeness to him. He kisses you back briefly and chaste. Much different than the kiss you had witnessed between he and your best friends moments earlier. His lips connect with your forehead and he sighs.

In that moment you feel him choose Riley.

 **The end! I hope that made sense to everyone and it was obvious which section belonged to which character. I hope the drinking and sex didn't bother anyone. Also, I kinda stole that last line from a 90210 fic I read a few years ago and I thought that was so powerful that it always stayed with me ever since. If you love 90210 go read** _ **Our Arms Outstretched, We Are Soaring**_ **it's a phenomenal oneshot! But anyway, please review and let me know how I did! I've had all of these thoughts in my head for awhile. Hope you enjoyed reading :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Back again! I felt like I had one chapter left for this story since Lucas and Riley are still amazing and everyone deserves a happy ending. Also, the title comes from an incredible song that everyone should listen to called "Mind Over Matter" by Young the Giant, and the title is a lyric from that! As always, please read and review. I really appreciate all thoughts on the chapters! :)**

You follow Riley out of the room as she darts through the crowd trying her best to get away from everyone. You feel for her because she probably thinks everyone is judging her, and you know her well enough to know she must have a great explanation for her actions.

"Riley," You say as you grab her gently by the arm once you both are outside. She won't look at you, too ashamed to see your face.

"I'm not mad," You promise. Their lives are their own. You've seen the looks and felt the tension. You can't say you're surprised given what you've seen, yet you're completely shocked either Lucas or Riley would do something like that. She sighs and meets your eyes. Her big doe eyes are staring back at you and you know she's seconds away from breaking. How you never noticed her suffering makes you feel like a terrible friend.

"You love him," You state already knowing the answer. You place your hand on her shoulder in a comforting way so she knows you aren't upset.

"I tried so hard not to," Her voice cracks and the tears start flowing. You take her into your arms and let her feel whatever she needs to. She's been keeping this bottled up for the last year and before everyone else jumps into the situation you need to be there for her.

"I'm so sorry Zay," She cries trying to pull away. You keep her firmly in place letting her know this is okay.

"It's more than ok, Sugar," You say calmly stroking her hair. You can't fathom how Riley, Lucas or Maya is feeling right now. Their feelings are all very strong, but you aren't sure the way Lucas feels for Maya will measure to how he feels for Riley. He isn't a cheater, he's a moral compass. That's how you know this situation with Riley is deep. He would never hurt anyone intentionally, especially his girlfriend.

When she calms down she pulls away from you. You try not to look at her with the pity and empathy you feel, you've never been in love with someone who's dating someone else, let alone your best friend.

"Please tell me she'll forgive me," Riley desperately asks. Riley and Maya have a stronger friendship than most so you think one day they will be ok, you just aren't sure when.

"Did you ever forgive her for falling for him while he was yours?" You ask back. The shock and shame that covers Riley's face gives you your answer. Despite your jokes and comments about how similar Lucas and Maya are, you always knew Lucas would never be able to fully give Riley up. They may be young, but you've never seen your best friend as hurt as the night he went to Maya's and "chose" her.

 **One year prior**

"Whoa, Lucas are you alright?" You ask as soon as Lucas enters your apartment looking as disheveled as the day he told you he was leaving Texas.

"It's over now," Lucas said exhaustingly while sitting on the couch. Your eyebrows shoot up knowing he meant the triangle.

"And?" You press needing to hear him say who he chose.

"It's Maya," He whispers looking at this hands. For someone who had just gotten into a relationship with a great girl you expected him to be a little more enthusiastic, but then you realize him choosing Maya means he has to break Riley's heart and that might be the hardest thing Lucas has ever had to do.

"Congrats man, she's gorgeous," You say trying to cheer him up. He's staring straight ahead with a clenched jaw and you know he's killing himself trying to come up with a less painful way to break the news to Riley.

"Yeah," He quietly says looking straight at you, "She is." You don't see a single ounce of happiness or relief in his eyes, all you see is despair and anguish. That was the moment you knew he made the wrong choice.

"Luke…" You say trailing off hoping he knows that he can't turn around and make the opposite choice now that he's told Maya it's her.

"I know," He says sadly standing up and heads for the door. You feel for him, you know he made the choice that would appease the most people; the choice the class wanted him to make.

"Riley will be ok, she's stronger than people give her credit for," You tell him trying to ease his anxiety over the situation.

"She will be," Lucas says dejectedly before walking out the door. The finality in Lucas's words aren't what's left hanging in the air after the door closes, it's what he doesn't say that is.

 _I won't be._

—

 **Present**

You go to Riley's early the morning after the party to check on her. You may not have been in the room when Zay and Maya walked in on Lucas and Riley kissing but you had a feeling the whole situation was about to take a turn after the subtle but huge statement Lucas made without realizing it. Him slamming his fists down in reaction to Charlie gasping seeing Riley's exposed neck proved more than enough that he couldn't handle the idea that Riley had someone else interested in her, and that she might one day be interested in him back.

You seat yourself at the bay window waiting for Riley to come back into her room. You aren't sure if she's eating breakfast or just in the bathroom right now. It's still very early, yet you knew she didn't sleep last night and you needed to see her. She walks back in and stops mid step when she sees you. Riley hesitates to take the seat beside you afraid you're angry with her. You immediately hold her hand and squeeze it silently letting her know you won't end the friendship over this.

"Farkle, I don't know what to say," She whispers staring at you.

"I know, Riles." You say and sit there silently with her. You aren't sure how much times passes before her head finds its way to your shoulder, but you let her relax and sleep while cherishing the time without everyone else. Since the additions of Lucas, Zay and Smackle you haven't had a single moment with just Riley or just Maya. Everyone else overtook everyone's time and your friendships with your wives fell by the wayside. Riley knew you would go check on Maya as well but she seemed to appreciate the support now. Her silent suffering had gone on long enough. You know if you had to watch Isadora with another guy you wouldn't be able to contain yourself for an entire year. The issue was Maya was your other wife and you needed to see where she stood with all of this. She isn't stupid, she couldn't have missed all the signals everyone else saw.

You gently pick Riley up and place her on her bed. You notice she feels as light as a feather, and you see that even though she's asleep she doesn't look fully rested. There's worry etched into her features, this triangle all about destroyed the little bit of self esteem Riley ever had. You give her hand one last squeeze before climbing back through her window.

—

You lay awake as you have all night. It's mid-morning by now and you have zero motivation to do anything. It's Saturday and you should be with your friends or with Maya, but you don't want to see anyone. You pull out your phone and see texts from almost everyone. Even Smackle texted you to see if you were alright, but the only thing you can concentrate on is who didn't text or call you. Given the damage that you and Riley caused Maya last night you didn't expect her to be in a big hurry to reach out, but a small part of you is disappointed she didn't.

You read all of the messages and drop your phone sighing. You'll get back to them all later when you can deal with interacting with others. You close your eyes willing sleep to come to you, but it doesn't and you turn over and scream into your pillow as your way of letting the frustration out. Maya forgave you. She walked in on you literally cheating with her best friend she it took her all of about two minutes to decide she still wanted to be with you.

If you walked in on her with Zay you aren't sure you'd do the same and that thought alone makes your stomach hurt. You love Maya, you're sure of it. You wouldn't have chosen her if that wasn't something at least part of you wanted. But which part? Not knowing that answer scares you. Choosing to be with someone was a big deal and if you can't even give the reasons why than maybe that means there were never any to begin with. Your eyes snap open at that harsh thought. Before you can process what that meant your mom walks in with red and puffy eyes saying she has something to tell you. The knots in your stomach just get bigger.

—

You have the music blaring while you attack your canvas. You couldn't be more thankful for having art as the outlet you do. The creativity that constantly dances around your brain needs a way to be let out, and anytime you feel any intense emotion the faster you can get to the canvas or sketch pad the better. As the previous nights events play back through your memory you zone in and out of anger and straight numbness. Lucas and Riley kissing flashes as your brush harshly moves against the canvas. Your eyes water, but you never let the tears fall. It's not until your music is turned down that you even realize there's someone else in your room.

"Farkle you scared the shit out of me!" You say with your eyes narrowed at him. He puts his hands up in surrender as a silent apology. His eyes move past you to your painting, and it's when his eyes get wide that you know that whatever you painted is something you don't want anyone else seeing. You turn and see nothing but lots of darker colors dancing across the canvas. It's dark and edgy but there's not a defining shape from what you can tell. From past experiences you knew that sometimes you have to take a step back and get a second look at your own work. You walk to stand right next to Farkle and your own eyes widen seeing the face that is staring back at you.

"I guess Lucas isn't the only one holding on to someone," Farkle states. There isn't a single ounce of judgement in his voice, just acceptance and exhaustion. You stare at the dark blue eyes and dark hair of Josh Matthews as a cry of anguish escapes you and you drop to the floor. Farkle's arms encircle you in an instant as you cry for the first time since the night Lucas chose you. You convinced yourself you cried in happiness for being chosen, yet looking back you can only remember feeling the weight on your chest feel as though it was going to crush you as soon as the words left his mouth.

"It's okay Maya," Farkle soothes. "I won't tell anyone."

"I don't know why it's always him when I'm upset," You admit with a cracked voice.

"You paint him a lot?" Farkle asks. You sigh and reach over to grab the manilla folder under your bed and silently hand it to Farkle. He opens it and studies each sketch of your long time crush. You know he's the one person who won't hate you for this.

"You love him."

"No!" You scream too quickly.

"Yes you do," Farkle says still eyeing the intimate details of how Maya has captured Josh.

"You can't tell me how I feel," You argue with the genius. He rolls his eyes.

"I don't have to," Farkle says holding up the drawings. "These do."

Everyone knows about you and Lucas, you guys show enough PDA to appease what the people who voted you as best couple. They may occasionally now throw looks of pity your way if Lucas and Riley get caught staring at one another too long. But it's what they wanted, they forced the triangle, they wanted the fire and you think that you did too.

You look at the drawings and glance at the newest painting on the easel. The fear and anxiety that has always crept inside you when it comes to Josh starts rearing its ugly head. The tears well up in your eyes again as you look at Farkle with panic in your eyes.

"You can't tell anyone," You whisper brokenly. Farkle sighs like he's been here before and you sit there wondering if he's been in this situation with Riley. Farkle shakes his head in confirmation to her silent question.

"Before New Years," He clarifies, and your head thinks it may explode with how similar you and your sister really are.

—

The rain is coming down so hard you can hardly see out of your window. It's the most cliche thing in the world, sitting here staring at the rain while being sad. You check your phone and see a handful of missed calls from your friends. There's five calls from Charlie Gardner alone. You can't bring yourself to hurt him again when he hasn't done anything wrong. The problem is you don't see him the same way he sees you and you never will. You double check to see if there's any messages from _him,_ and then feel foolish because he was still probably dating Maya. You put your head in your hands and try not to cry for the hundredth time that day knowing you hurt your best friend. If she had kissed Lucas behind your back, and not just that you had sex with him in the janitors closet. You don't know how you'd feel about her after that.

Riley Matthews is a good girl. You gets straight A's and put others above yourself. You don't get drunk and you don't have sex with your best friend's boyfriend. In the past few days you have done both. You end up replying to Charlie apologizing over and over for the night before. You go on and on about how wonderful he has been but that you are too far gone to be with him right now. You figure that you are already feeling like complete shit so you might as well make yourself feel worse by hurting him too. The knock at the window startles you so much you jump. You can hardly make out who it is because of the rain stained windows, but the hair on the back of your neck stands up as you open the window telling you exactly who it is.

"Lucas, are you crazy?" You ask him as he climbs in, "It's pouring out there." You get up and grab him two towels to dry himself with. When you come back in you get a good look at him. His eyes are bloodshot when he looks at you. After a moment he breaks the eye contact and stares at the ground. Your heart aches for him and you want nothing more than to take his pain away. You carefully slide his jacket off of his shoulders, and lay it on one towel and wrap the other one around his wet t-shirt and start drying him off. You realize that the shirt is making him start to shiver so you reach for the bottom of it to lift it off of him. As you do this his emerald eyes meet yours only breaking contact when he lifts his arms to let the shirt slide off.

He's never looked more broken than he does in that moment and that's when you truly realize how deep your love for him goes. You grab the towel again to wrap it around him, he takes your hand in his and has you sit next to him. You want to ask what happened, but you aren't sure if it's your place. Maybe he and Maya ended their relationship? He had a fight with Farkle or Zay over what happened at the party? Either way, it was your fault he was broken and you need to fix it, fix him.

"Lucas…" You trail off reaching up to touch his face before retreating that same hand back because he wasn't yours to comfort.

"Pappy Joe is sick," He says as his voice cracks. As soon as the words leave his mouth you launch at him wrapping your arms around his neck holding on for dear life. Instinctively, he brings you onto his lap as he buries his face into your neck inhaling your scent.

"Oh, I'm so sorry," You say as your own voice quivers at the idea of that sweet man not being around for Lucas anymore. He was nothing but incredibly kind when you all visited. You don't let yourself think about the Texas trip too often as it was the final nail in the coffin that was your unofficial thing with Lucas once you discovered Maya's feelings for him. You pull away enough to see his face. His eyes are welling up and as the first tear falls you wipe it away as you brush your thumbs against both cheeks.

"Did you tell Maya?" You hate yourself for asking, but you can't let your feelings for him push you too far, not again. Lucas's eyes glaze over, like he's removing himself from reality as he stares off into space.

"No, I walked around for awhile after my mom told me," Lucas says in a monotone voice, "I didn't even realize I was here until I had climbed the fire escape." You heart wants to burst that you were the first one he told. His first instinct was to come here, but that moment of elation is soon replaced with sorrow as you climb off of his lap knowing it was wrong to be there in the first place.

"Don't shut me out," You say gently taking a seat next to him again.

"Why?" He demands staring at you, "You're shutting me out."

"I'm not the one in the relationship," You whisper looking at him, eyes as big as ever.

"Things are complicated right now," He says evenly. Complicated still means he's with her. You go to stand up again when he grabs your hand keeping you in place.

"Riley please," He asks bringing your hand to his lips like he did the night before when you were saying goodbye. Your chest feels tight as your senses light on fire being in such close proximity.

"Lucas," You breathe getting light headed. His hand finds the back of your neck bringing your lips together once more. This isn't the desperate kiss of last night. This was contact, lips on lips to comfort Lucas. Your hands find the sides of his face fusing your lips together even more as Lucas breathes you in. He was drowning and you like to think in that moment you were his air, his way to be ok given the horrific news he had learned earlier. Your parents taking the rainy day as an opportunity to take Auggie and Ava to lunch and a movie means you don't have to worry about Lucas getting chased out of here anytime soon.

He picks you up and carries you over to your bed never breaking the kiss. His shirt already being off made for running your hands up and down his perfect torso all the more easy. He was still shivering from the rain while you were on fire igniting Lucas with every touch. He plants feather light kisses on your cheek over to your ear, "You're really important to me, Riley." You shut your eyes tightly as the tears threaten to spill again as you remember the last time he said that.

" _If it wasn't for you, I don't know I would have survived in New York. You're really important to me,"_ Your breath hitches as you decide to take control rolling you both over so you're straddling him. You don't miss the smile on his face as he looks the happiest you've seen look in months and months.

"I'm going to take your pain away," You promise leaning down to kiss him.

You pretend to be asleep afterward and feel his fingers tracing circles on your bare back. It feels so good that you start to doze off with a smile on your face as you feel his fingertips trace the words 'I love you' on your shoulder.

—

On Monday Lucas has told everyone about Pappy Joe, and you have a sinking feeling in your stomach that you were not the first to know. You wonder which order he shared the news. It would make sense for Zay to be first given his long history with Lucas's grandfather. Farkle was his other best friend so he should've been next, but as his girlfriend should you have been next? And you might have been and yet when Riley walks into History the look of empathy that crosses her features as she and Lucas make eye contact tells you she already knows. When she found out is what you want to know. You still haven't talked to her because you still don't know how you even feel about the betrayal. You've ignored the voicemails she's left begging to talk. Riley sits down and starts taking avid notes for the upcoming test, you study her. She looks determined, she's focused, but she also looks as exhausted as you feel. Riley glances your way and her eyes look like they could burst with all of the guilt in them. You bite your lip remembering you should hate her for what she's done, only you can't.

Dating Lucas hurt her too you remind yourself. There are days you wished Huckleberry never came to New York to shake up your dynamic with Riles. It was always supposed to be you and her with Farkle being your fake husband. That was all. Wishing that Lucas never came here confirms what Farkle accused you of a few days prior.

"I need to talk to you," You turn around and say to Lucas. His eyebrows shoot up not anticipating that. The truth is until that morning when Lucas told you about Pappy Joe you realized you hadn't even spoken since the party.

"Matthews, this is actually important," You say to your surrogate father. He nods sensing you aren't trying to skip for once. You catch Riley's eye and give her an even look as Lucas follows you out. You sit on the nearest bench and look him directly in the eye.

"Who all did you tell about Pappy Joe before me?" You ask quietly. You just want the truth and don't want anymore games. He hesitates before answering, looking conflicted like on Friday when you asked if he still chose you.

"Zay, Farkle, Mr. Matthews and Riley," He says her name like a secret. Like they didn't use to be best friends and a little more, a lot more until you caught them.

"You told Riley before me?" You question needing him to stop the bullshit. He looks as guilty as Riley did moments ago and you know that when he told her he didn't immediately leave afterward, he sought Riley out for comfort, not you.

"I'm sorry, Maya," He says seriously. You know he's sorry, but he won't survive being this conflicted and torn apart forever. He made his choice, it was the wrong one. Not just for him, for you too. He wasn't Josh.

"I know," You say reach up running your fingers through his hair one last time, "This isn't working."

You don't expect any type of big reaction out of him. He's going through a lot right now with his family, and being torn between hurting you and Riley as well as himself has taken a big toll on him. He nods silently at you, and you feel a relief that you didn't realize you were needing to feel so you could breathe again until that moment.

"I care about you Maya, I really do, but…" Lucas trails off. You finish for him.

"But I'm not her, it's not the same." You say and the fact there's no anger in your voice resides with you both. He looks like he's just gotten his life back as the relief shows on his features.

"I never meant for this to happen this way, I swear." He says looking at you. It's your turn to nod. Lucas wasn't the type to hurt anyone, and it's taken you this long to realize that he had been doing what Riley normally does by trying to put your feelings above his own. It was time they all stopped lying and could be the group of friends they used to be.

"We'll be ok, it will take time to get back to normal but I think it'll happen." You shock yourself by how much you mean that. You want more than anything to not have the weight of the world on your shoulders anymore. You want your real best friend back. You both stand up and hug before heading back into class. Everyone is staring because the golden couple with all that chemistry has broken up. That fire had died and left them with nothing but emptiness and longing for someone else.

After class you bolt to get to the art room. Once you get there you pull your phone out and start to type the text you've been wanting to send since you were thirteen when your phone goes off first. You get dizzy seeing a text from Josh.

' _Long game ends now. You're finally 17, single, and I'm ready.'_

Your heart is racing so fast that you channel your energy into a new painting. When you've calmed down after a few minutes you reply with shaky hands because you can't fathom this reality.

' _Take me to dinner and then we can talk ending the long game ;)'_ You say back not even caring if he brought you a lunchable from the grocery store for dinner.

He's the one you've wanted all along and while the rush of emotions floods you the painting becomes complete. You stare at it from afar expecting to see the same dark blue eyes you've dreamt about for years. Instead, you're met with two basic shapes; the sun and the moon in a dark and stormy night on half and a bright blue sky on the other, fighting for control. It's only after you stare long enough that you see it's completely even; showcasing the moon's need for the sun's warmth with the sun's need for the moon's enlightenment during the dark times. You sigh contently with a smile knowing that no matter where you both go, it's always going to be you two.

—

You see her on the subway after school reading a book. You smile, despite the despair of Pappy Joe's illness. Seeing your sun somehow makes things ok. Something told you Riley would make everything ok. After class you texted Josh letting him know that you and Maya finally came to your senses and ended the relationship that never should've been; giving Josh the green light to give Maya what she's always wanted. She never knew, but you found the drawings under her bed once. You only looked at two, but that's all it took for you to realize even more that you and Maya didn't belong together.

You sneak into an open seat next to where she's standing. It still to this day amazes you how she can have the calming influence over you that she does. Riley doesn't even know you're there, but merely being in her presence fixes you little by little. The subway halts and moments later the book flies at your face, which you catch with ease, moments before a body lands on your lap.

"Damnit!" She curses and you can't hide the chuckle that escapes you hearing that word come out of her mouth. Her head snaps your direction and she freezes. Your arms are wrapped around her reminding you both of Saturday, the vulnerability flashes in your eyes thinking of how she promised to take your pain away and how wonderfully she succeeded.

"Hi," You whisper.

"Hey," She responds dazed.

"Hi," You say again and you both feel thirteen again with the world at your fingertips. No problems, just friendships and blossoming romances. No cheating, lying, betrayal and excruciating heartbreak. She reads you tilting her head. You knew she heard you and Maya had broken up from Farkle at lunch. She probably reached out to Maya requesting that they talk once and for all. You see Riley glance around at the subway car to make sure Maya can't see this. You being single doesn't matter when they've already crossed so many lines, and yet she doesn't want to give Maya another reason to be upset when you've given her so many already.

"She'll be dating Josh by this weekend I bet," You says casually.

"What?" She say shocked. Maya used to want Josh more than anything.

"I told him we broke up so they could be together, now that she's 17 it should be fine." You say like the idea of your newly ex-girlfriend with someone else was not bothering you at all. You realize that really doesn't bother you. Before she can respond you both hear her name and you tighten your hold on her immensely as you both turn to see Charlie.

"Hey Charlie," She says as friendly as possible. You are completely tense underneath her and as she realizes how this looks she tries to get up, but your grip on Riley doesn't lessen.

"I wanted to tell you in person not to worry about what we talked about this weekend," Charlie says and for a moment you wonder how much simpler her life would've been these last few years if she could've loved him instead of you. She'd had you from the first time you found ourselves in this position.

"You're a great guy," Riley says honestly and you feel your jaw clench as it lays against her shoulder. Charlie eyes you for a moment, almost as if he may start something, but decided against it. Honestly, you were in no place right now to be dealing with any stressful situations.

"Thanks Riley," He says with a smile, "You've never really ever been free, it was dumb of me to think that you were. You were always his, even when you weren't." With that he walks to a different part of the subway car to finish out the ride. Riley sighs and relaxes for a moment as you feel the tension leaving yourself as well.

Riley turns in your lap to face you, she then brushes her thumb against your lower lip while biting her own. Your eyes stare at that lip hungrily.

"Always yours," She whispers to you. Your thumb is tracing circles on the back of her hand, and subconsciously goes to her fourth finger on her left hand to trace a circle around it as well.

"You'll never be anyone else's," You promise. Riley nods wordlessly as her eyes well up before kissing you.

 **That is it! I hope you all enjoyed it! i had a blast writing it and I know it may have seemed rushed to have Josh and Maya start heading in the direction of dating on the same day she and Lucas broke up, as well as having Lucas and Riley get together so soon also. I just wanted these awesome characters to have their happy endings so badly! Please let me know what you think :)**


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